Not having friends is hard.
Sure, I’ve met a ton of people, but how many can I really just call to hang out?
Cath, who has earned the title of my Manila BFF, just started working so I can no longer do things with her on the 8+ hours I’m home alone, and at night she’s busy doing her own things (and so are we, since the scuba diving classes are taking up all our nights this week, and will take all our weekend). Then yesterday I was told, in so many words, by a friend (?) that she would rather stay home alone than hang out with me for an hour, when I happen to be in her neighborhood.
Needless to say, last night I was in tears with Karl, that I have no friends here, that nobody likes me. I miss my friends in DC and my friends in Brazil. I miss someone I can just call up and chat.
I’m starting to wonder. Is it me? Maybe I’m the bad friend? I think I’m a good listener, and I KNOW I would do anything for a friend, but then why is it so hard to make friends and keep them? There must be something wrong with me, no?
We all make mistakes, and I can pinpoint mistakes I have made in a friendship that years later still haunt me, but for other times, I’m dumbfounded, as to what I did. Or maybe I’m just not a likeable person? (But I wouldn’t have a successful running group in DC if being around me was bad, right? People would choose to run elsewhere.)
This is the kind of post that if Karl sees it, he’ll turn around and go “now you won’t have any friends because you posted that.” But sometimes, you just need to be honest with yourself, with others, and you need to get things out there, because I don’t want to spend another night crying that I’m not liked. It’s no fun to live life that way.
I LOVE Manila. But gosh, it can be so damn lonely sometimes.