Well, technically there’s still a marathon, I just no longer will be running it.
Yes, it makes me feel like an absolute and complete failure and it makes me wonder if I’ll ever get to run another marathon, ever, but this year I will be running none. After such a hassle to register for the marine corps marathon it also feels like such a waste.
I thought that easing myself back into running that I could be back in shape, running the whole thing by September, but here we are at mid-August and most days I still can’t even run a 5k non-stop.
Yep, I had an amazing 9 miler a few weeks ago with Jen, but that was the exception. I usually have no one to run with me, which makes the long runs very long, or as it happens, makes me cut them short so I have company for them.
I am slower than ever. My body still feels odd after childbirth, don’t know if things really are off, if it’s because of breastfeeding (Ellie is a little over 5 months now and still exclusively on breast milk), if it’s because I’m so out of shape, or because I am still hanging on to so much of my pregnancy weight, but nothing feels right when I run anymore. And running is just no longer fun. It has been miserable.
I also thought I would have at least 3 of my former running buddies to train with, I warned everyone I was out of shape and needed patience, everyone was ok with it, until I got here, of course. I think they thought I was kidding. Or fishing for compliments. Because one of them ran once with me then never again. The other one? Same. And the third got to run with me twice.
I can’t possibly expect any of them to run with me every single run when they have goals of their own, but I’m not going to lie, I expected a bit of support, I expected more than just one run. Instead, due to lack of company (if you’re a long time reader you know I was never one to enjoy solo runs — that was the exact reason I stopped running when we moved to Manila), I ended up cutting my long runs short so I’d have company for those miles. And short runs get no one across the finish line.
My feet also bother me on and off. I went to the doctor, going to PT, and got news I might even need surgery (my arches are just too damn high). I just have to schedule an appointment with a specialist. Who is in Baltimore. And I’m scared shitless to call, even though I’ve been hanging to his number for 3 weeks now.
Anyway, I type this in the dark, on my iPhone, as I nurse Ellie at 5:20am to get out in a few minutes for a run. I signed up for a half marathon in a month, and to be honest I don’t even know if I can do *that* but now I’m officially training for a half, not a full. I thought selling my marathon bib would make me relieved, but it doesn’t. I still feel like I failed. And I still hope running will be enjoyable again some day. Because right now I dread lacing up my shoes and heading out the door. But I haven’t given up on running just yet.